


made up of

by inmylife



Series: i'll find you [3]
Category: NU'EST, Wanna One (Band)
Genre: M/M, Non-Chronological, Song Lyrics, lots of sadness, the character death is jr i'm saying that now so no one worries, you literally already know this is happening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 15:48:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13884057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inmylife/pseuds/inmylife
Summary: minhyun grieves.





	made up of

**Author's Note:**

> the song used is Made Up Of by Barnaby Bright. 
> 
> just a few snippets of minhyun's life - this covers events before and after both fics that i've already posted as well as some hints to the next stories!

**i'm not the girl you think i am**

 

Minhyun can't breathe. The memories just won't stop.

 

"I don't think I can do this."

 

"It's okay, you're okay," Aron says, crossing to Minhyun's side of the car. "That's why I said I'd go with you. I'll drive you." 

 

"I'm sorry…" He's supposed to be a functioning adult, he has a job and a kid and it's his first day and he needs the money because he'd let the debt pile up for the past three months, but he can't even open the car door. 

 

Aron puts a hand on the small of his back and steers him around to the passengers side, opens the door for him, makes sure his seatbelt is buckled like Minhyun is a little kid. The whole time Minhyun trembles, and he doesn't stop until they've pulled into the parking lot of the office building. 

 

**all those records in my room, they belong to him**

 

"You've finally gotten me up to your room," jokes Jaehwan. 

 

"Well, it's not really  _ up _ ," says Minhyun. "My house has one floor."

 

Jaehwan gives him a look. "It's an expression."

 

"I was trying to be funny."

 

Jaehwan pokes around. "Let's see, what kind of scholarly smart-person single-dad crap does hyung have in his room," he narrates. "A bookshelf. Wow, fancy. And - what's this - a record player? Hyung is old school!" Jaehwan turns and grins at him. 

 

The record player was Jonghyun's. 

 

**the soft spot in the bed where you laid your head, but it's cold now**

 

It's cold, it's December, it's Christmas morning. 12:57 on Christmas morning. Minhyun dreams of Jonghyun, dreams of Christmas together and of opening presents in their bedroom under a plastic tree that's about a foot tall. He shivers and rolls to the other side of the bed, seeking the warmth of another body, but it's not there. 

 

Suddenly, Minhyun is very awake. 

 

He goes and gets Jinyoung from his crib and holds him instead. 

 

**and i drank all your gin**

 

When Jinyoung is two, Minki comes in the morning of Jonghyun's birthday to find Minhyun drunk and sobbing on the kitchen floor. Minki doesn't say a word, just dials Aron for backup and walks Minhyun to the couch, and holds him while he cries. 

 

**wasting it's a sin, you'd say, without a doubt**

 

"Time goes so quickly with you," remarks Jaehwan. "It's been a year since we got married and really doesn't feel like a long time." 

 

"Time doesn't go quick for me anymore," Minhyun shrugs. He knows, now, that the people he loves are too precious to let pass by - he notices each detail, savors each moment. 

 

**i saved a bunch of clothes you wore**

 

"So you have this box of clothes in the basement. Or boxes," Jaehwan amends, "of clothes. And I was thinking that we might want to take them out and do something with them." 

 

"Something," asks Minhyun, on guard because what does Jaehwan want with Jonghyun's clothes? "What kind of something?"

 

"Give them to Jinyoung or something? Or have you wear them. Or give them to Minki hyung, he likes clothes," Jaehwan suggests. 

 

"Jinyoung is twelve," Minhyun shakes his head. "He's not gonna wear those." 

 

"When he's older, he might," Jaehwan reasons. "Who knows, in a few years it might be a craze, you know? To wear your parents' clothes. You remember how everyone was wearing 80s clothes when we were in college. Surely this happened at your college, there were internet memes about it and everything." 

 

"Mmm…" Minhyun makes an unsure noise. 

 

"Or we could just go through them with the boys and, like, Hyunbin and Dongho hyung and Minki hyung. Just see what we collectively want to do." 

 

"I don't want to make those decisions," Minhyun tells Jaehwan. "And you shouldn't either." 

 

"I never said I was making a decision!" Jaehwan defends. "What I'm saying is that we can leave the decision up to you and the other hyungs and everyone." 

 

"Can we come back to this?" Minhyun's voice betrays him, quivering and trembling and threatening to break. 

 

"Of course, hyung." 

 

**people say throw it all away, but i can't bear to open up the drawer**

 

"You can't spend the rest of your life surrounded by his shit," Dongho argues. 

 

Minhyun remains stubbornly on the bed. "No." 

 

"Minhyun, seriously, there are going to be some things you need to throw away. If not for your own sake - hell, it'll be cleaner this way, Min, and -"

 

"I'm keeping his stuff," Minhyun says decisively. "Don't throw it away, Dongho, please…"

 

Something in that must have sounded pathetic enough to appeal to Dongho's soul, and he sighs. "Am I allowed to put shit in boxes in the basement?" 

 

"It's a compromise," shouts Minki from the next room, and they both shush him because Jinyoung is napping. 

 

"You know what? Fine," says Minhyun, just as the baby monitor starts to shrill. "Now I am going to put my son back to sleep, because someone," he calls, definitely loud enough for Minki to hear him, "decided it would be a good idea to yell at me and wake him up." 

 

"Okay," resigns Dongho. "Boxes it is." 

 

**someone else's life might collide with mine**

 

Jaehwan kisses him, and Minhyun freezes. It's been so long since anyone has kissed Minhyun like that. 

 

"Hyung, I'm sorry, do you not - " Jaehwan stammers, looking scared. 

 

He misses Jonghyun, and he is always going to miss Jonghyun, and that is never going to change. He loves Jonghyun, and he is always going to love Jonghyun, and that is never going to change. 

 

But Jonghyun isn't here. 

 

And maybe, just maybe, Minhyun is ready to open his heart to someone else. 

 

**but i'm too unsteady**

 

"Her name's Nayoung, she's our age, she's an artist. Come on, Minhyun, you'll like her. Please just try?" Minki's eyes shine pleadingly, begging almost. "It's been four years, Minhyun, you're allowed to go on one date." 

 

"One date," Minhyun mutters. "But only because I know you won't leave me alone until I do." 

 

Nayoung is a nice girl, but Minhyun would much rather be her friend or something. She comes out as gay to Minki two weeks later. Thank god. 

 

**there's so much left to do to rid this house of you**

 

"Hyung," calls Jaehwan from where he's lying on his stomach, attempting to clean the space under the furnace at Minhyun's behest. "Is this yours?" He waves the thing up at Minhyun. It's a wallet. Jonghyun's wallet.

 

Oh, god. Sixteen years and the feeling still hits him like a truck. "Ah - no…" 

 

"Oh shit. Oh, shit," says Jaehwan, scrambling up from the floor. Jinyoung, who's on the couch listening to music, laughs at the sight of Jaehwan with dust all down his shirt. Usually, Minhyun would too. "This was Jonghyun hyung's, wasn't it. Do you want to keep it?" Jinyoung takes an earbud out and looks between his parents warily. 

 

"I - I - I -" 

 

"Can I keep it, actually?" asks Jinyoung. "It's kind of… I don't know."

 

"Yeah, Jinyoungie, you can keep it," says Minhyun. 

 

Keep it, so Minhyun doesn't have to think about it anymore. 

 

**but i'm just not ready**

 

"Appa," asks Jinyoung. "Who's that?" He reaches up for the picture on the mantelpiece. 

 

"That," says Minhyun, taking a deep breath. "Is you and me."

 

"But there are four," Jinyoung says, confused. 

 

Minhyun is not ready to have this conversation. 

 

"The other man is your Jonghyun appa," Minhyun explains, "and the other baby is your sister Chaeyoung." 

 

"I have a sister?" Jinyoung asks, and Minhyun really should call Dongho because he has no idea how to explain the concept of death to a three year old. 

 

"You, ah, you don't anymore. She and Jonghyun appa - when you were a baby -" Minhyun flounders. "They went somewhere else, somewhere you go when you're done living. And they can't come back, and I miss them a lot. But I keep that picture there because that is a picture of all of us together as a family. Jonghyun appa is holding you, and I'm holding Chaeyoung."

 

It had been taken the week they were born, when Jonghyun and Minhyun picked them up from the hospital. 

 

The accident had happened the same day. 

 

**only a matter of time, they say**

 

He turns around, and Jaehwan is on one knee. Behind him, someone - a passerby - gasps. 

 

He goes down on one knee. Jonghyun stares. Aron is crying behind them, and Minki keeps repeating, "oh my god, oh my god…" 

 

"Hwang Minhyun hyung. Will you marry me?" 

 

"Kim Jonghyun, I don't want to spend a minute without you in my arms. Will you marry me?" 

 

"Yes," says Minhyun. 

 

"Yes," says Jonghyun. 

 

Minhyun sweeps his fiance into his arms. 

 

**to get myself together once again**

 

It was their wedding anniversary. Their second one. Minhyun lies on his bed and holds his baby, wrapped in one of Jonghyun's sweaters, and breathes. Jinyoung is asleep, and stirs in Minhyun's arms every few moments. 

 

Last year, Jonghyun had been so excited for having their kids there the next year. 

 

Minhyun wonders if Jonghyun is holding Chaeyoung right now, and wishing for him. 

 

He starts crying, and it's not quiet, and it wakes up Jinyoung so Minhyun forces the tears back down. Jinyoung has only just gotten back to sleep when the door slams open. Slams open like Jonghyun did. 

 

Jonghyun? 

 

He hardly dares to hope but he turns his head towards his bedroom door. 

 

Someone knocks. "Min?"

 

It's not Jonghyun. Minhyun sobs. 

 

His bedroom door opens. Aron comes in, followed by Dongho, followed by Minki. 

 

"Oh, Min…" Aron murmurs. Dongho takes Jinyoung from his arms, and Minhyun tenses, panicking - no - they can't take his baby away from him - but Minki rubs his back, gently. 

 

"You forgot you gave Dongho a key, must have," Minki whispers to him. Dongho holds Jinyoung carefully, bounces him a little, and leaves. "He's just going to put him in his room," Minki soothes. "Minhyun, you're okay, it's okay. You two aren't going to be alone anymore." 

 

**i know there's got to be some other way to feel like i did back then**

 

"I met someone." 

 

"Jjuya, I can't stop thinking about him." 

 

"I - I kissed Jaehwan today. Well, he kissed me." 

 

"He asked me to marry him, Jonghyun, I'm so sorry… I said yes." 

 

"We got married last week. I miss you so much." 

 

"We're adopting another kid."

 

"Jinyoung is officially a big brother today." 

 

"Jonghyunnie… I miss you. I love you."

 

"Jonghyun appa? Will you… will you tell Chaeyoung I say hello?" 

 

**and i know i'm an echo of a man i used to love**

 

"Hey, hyung." Jaehwan's tone is conversational as he speaks to Minhyun from the ugly maroon Barcalounger in their living room - Jaehwan's furniture, not his. Recliners are solidly single-man furniture, and single-man furniture was the kind Jaehwan had when he moved in. 

 

"Yes?"

 

"Uhm, I don't know how much you're going to like this…" Jaehwan says. He sounds nervous - Minhyun has heard Jaehwan nervous a total of three times in the past two years. "Especially because we only just got married and everything, it hasn't been long…" 

 

"Eight months can be a long time," Minhyun tells him. 

 

"Okay, just - I've been thinking about this, really I have been, like since before we got engaged and all, and - "

 

"Spit it out, Jaehwan, god." Minhyun is very very curious. 

 

"How would you feel about maybe adopting another kid?" 

 

Oh. 

 

**even though it was long ago, he's all i'm made up of**

 

"Hush little baby, don't say a word," he sings softly, eyes on the road, mind on the babies in the backseat. At a stoplight, Jonghyun catches his eye and smiles. "Appa's gonna buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird don't sing, appa's gonna buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond ring turns brass, appa's gonna buy you a looking glass. And if that looking glass do break-" 

 

Crash. 

 

**he's all i'm made up of**

 

"Minhyun-ssi? Hwang Minhyun-ssi?" 

 

Blurry shapes resolve into a human. A woman. 

 

"Hmm?" His arm hurts. And his head. 

 

"Minhyun-ssi, I'm so sorry, but I have to ask. What do you remember?" 

 

She's a nurse. A hospital. Weren't they just here? 

 

No, they were in the car… 

 

"I'm so sorry, Minhyun-ssi, but…" 

 

Oh, Jonghyun, oh god. 

 

"Your husband didn't make it." 

 

No.  _ No. _

 

**he's all i'm made up of**

 

They tell him the baby boy survived. Jinyoung. Jonghyun had chosen the name for the meaning - true spirit, he had said. Minhyun had chosen Chaeyoung because it was pretty. 

 

His girl. She's dead, too. 

 

They tell him he should go see him. Minhyun has no thoughts beyond blinding, deafening, heavy sadness, but he lets a nurse named Jungah lead him into the neonatal ward. The lights are dimmer here. Minhyun likes that. The lights in his own room are too bright. Everything is too real in there. 

 

He doesn't want to do this. Minhyun wants - he just wants to die. He needs Jonghyun. He can't face the world without him. He doesn't want to look at this baby that will just remind him. 

 

But. 

 

But Jungah takes him to an incubator. Minhyun stands over it, the paper gown uncomfortably itchy on his skin, and stares at the baby. His baby. 

 

Jinyoung is all he can see. One moment is all it takes - one moment. A moment where Minhyun sees past the tubes and wires hooked up to his child, tunes out the doctor talking in the background about injuries and trauma and Jungah telling him to wait, and just takes in his son. His Jinyoung. 

 

And suddenly, Minhyun has a reason to go forward. 

 

**he's all i'm made up of**

**Author's Note:**

> did you cry? 
> 
> if you can guess who their kid is i'll give you a cookie


End file.
